The plastic wrap conspiracy

The Wonderfully Patient Spouse, faithful canine Ben, and I made a Mother's Day pilgrimage home to the City of Roses this weekend. We were joined there by The Oldest Son. It was wonderful.

But, among many issues we covered over the weekend, my 85-year-old mother, wise woman that she is, confirmed what the WPS and I have suspected all along: There is a dastardly, global conspiracy going on RIGHT NOW against life as we know it.

News flash. It's not the Taliban, Wall Street hedge fund managers, Somali pirates or Congress. It is . . . plastic wrap.

Check your kitchen drawers and be afraid. Be very afraid.

Plastic wrap, aka saran wrap, cling wrap, etc., is evil. Happy homemakers all over the world have been gulled into believing it is valuable and necessary for the preservation of leftovers -- the fulfillment of life -- and profound spirtitual enlightenment.

Nothing could be further from the truth. Plastic wrap has, in fact, been designed to flummox and frustrate. . . to foment domestic insanity.

Starting at the moment you open the box. . . and the little metal razor-cutter dealie falls off. A new box of plastic wrap now rendered almost totally useless. Nevertheless, you soldier on.

Next step, prepping the plastic wrap box. Even if the little metal razor-cutter dealie remains intact, you still face significant obstacles to achieving plastic wrap nirvana. That would be --getting the wrap off the roll and set up for cutting.

Try to remember the last time plastic wrap gently and uniformly released from its roll and gracefully slipped right through the cutting guide. My guess is you're probably too busy to recall because you're picking at the stubborn threads of wrap that have your plastic wrap roll in lock-down.

Nevertheless, after too-numerous-to-count attempts later, your plastic wrap box is finally locked and loaded. You're ready to tear off a sheet. Or not.

One of two things happens (Thanks, mom, for the demos!):

Scenario 1 -- No matter how gently you pull, the wrap grabs and sticks, stretching into a geometric oddity that might work in the Picasso household, but is a little shape-challenged for that slice of meatloaf you hoped to set aside for another day.

Scenario 2 -- As you pull, the wrap bunches, clings to itself, becomes a useless wad of, well, plastic.

And if, improbably, the kitchen gods smile upon you and you're lucky enough extract a sheet without bunching, the damn laws of physics intervene.

For every action, there is a reaction. Remember that one?

In the case of plastic wrap, this means, once extracted, one end of your sheet will inevitably seek out its better half and cling relentlessly to it, locked in an inspired death grip, all while you're trying to tear off your piece of wrap with the nonexistent little metal razor-cutter dealie.

I rest my case. It IS a conspiracy. And global at that.

"Ironman III" -- bring it on.