Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Dear Trader Joe's

I herewith humbly submit my application and resume for a part-time position as food demonstrator at your new store opening here in Bermtopia.
Yes, I know. . . . as if the glamorous life of a higher education public relations writer isn't enough. But as Bob Browning used to say, "Ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp, Or what's a heaven for?" That's why I'm throwing my hat in the ring. I just can't think of anyone better suited to don a Hawaiian shirt and hand out samples of TJ wonderfulness every Saturday.

Let me share a few things about myself that I think would be invaluable in the role of a Trader Joe's food demonstrator:

1. I was a history major in college. That means I can talk about virtually anything, with the possible exception of quantum physics and anything related to mathematics, for a least 45 seconds. (And I seriously doubt the subjects of quantum physics and math come up very often around the food demonstrator table.) I will charm the socks off your customers with fabulous food samples and dazzling repartee. Trust me.

As an added bonus, I can do Historical Research. If you need someone to ferret out odd, arcane facts about, say, Crab Rangoon, I'm your gal. For example:

Fact 1. It's thought the appetizer originated from an authentic Burmese recipe (who knew they had cream cheese!) and

Fact 2. Crab Rangoon has been on the menu at Trader Vic's in San Francisco since 1957.

I rest my case.

2. As mentioned above, I am a marketing and public relations writer by trade. Oh, the food descriptions I will come up with for you! Think of it. It would be like having your very own Fearless Flyer editorial staff right there at the end of Aisle 4. But without all the dirty coffee mugs and empty doughnut boxes.

You will be the envy of Trader Joe's around the world.

I can so do better than this.

3. I will try eating anything. No, wait. Strike that. I will try eating almost anything. I don't do eel, okra, peas, cauliflower, most members of the squash family and all organ meats (I do have a penchant for liverwurst, however), but I really don't think that's a deal-killer, do you?

4. I more than occasionally blog about food, but NEVER about employers. While I will happily extol the gustatory virtues of  your food products, TJ's dirty little corporate secrets are safe with me. And my 24 followers. . . two of whom are the same person. Right, gang?

(I can hear them out there in the Blogosphere, saying "Yes, yes, secrets are safe. Please hire Mrs. B!")

5. I actually know a bit about food. Here's a partial sampling of my cookbooks at home.

I actually use them.

And make up my own recipes, too. No one has died yet.

That I'm aware of.

6. And at the risk of sounding like a hopeless TJ sycophant, I bought my mom a Trader Joe's cookbook for Christmas last year. It rocked her world.

7. I'm really quite flexible and available most weeknights and weekends. Well, except for Monday ("Dancing with the Stars"), Tuesday ("Glee"), Wednesday (Date Night with the Wonderfully Patient Spouse), Thursday ("Community/Parks and Rec") and Friday (On Demand movie night). Ha ha. Just infusing a little contemporary humor into my cover letter to demonstrate how hip I am for a 58-year-old.

So, Mr. and/or Ms. Trader Joe's Hiring Person, I do hope you consider me for one of your part-time food demonstrator positions. I truly believe I would totally crush the job. And help you set planetary Trader Joe's records for the sale of Crab Rangoon puffs.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Very sincerely yours,

Mrs. B
Future Trader Joe's Part-time Food Demonstrator and Proud of It

1 comment:

  1. I'd hire you in a minute! And compared to those naive young college hires, you are the wordly wonder of food demonstrators. Besides, I know you would not put any special creamy additions of your own in the sample yogurt like that cretin did at the Sunflower Market here in Albuquerque (after DNA tests, he was convicted.)