My face goes to detox

This isn't me, by the way.

I got my hair cut and highlighted (yes, I am of That Age) Saturday.

This really isn't headline news, but considering I have looked like the village mad woman for the past several weeks, I think it's worth a mention. Visualize one seriously deranged wanna-be mullet sporting several unattractive shades of grown-out hair color. I can only what imagine people thought, watching me walk by with Ben:

Me: Crazy hair, blowing snot rockets right and left (my nose runs like a river in cold weather) and periodically spinning like a dervish as I hit heinous spots of black ice.

Ben: Trying to maintain his canine dignity and looking largely apologetic for my unseemly behavior.

Sometimes, it's hard to be me.

So Saturday -- I am already a little antsy sitting for 2 1/2 hours in the beauty shop. One is NOT at her most glamorous with 1,206 foil wraps, reeking of chemicals, sticking out of her head.

I am seriously thinking about calling Verizon and offering my services as a cell phone tower, when Jill, my hair stylist, casually discloses she is 65.

BWAAA--AAAH! GET OUT.

I all but levitate out of my seat, stick my head in one of the "helmet" hair driers and hit the Incinerate button. Jill, and I say this in total admiring awe, truly looks like she's in her mid- to late-40s.

In comparison, thanks to my honorable Danish-Irish gene pool -- and those blasted foil wraps -- I looked like some weird extra-terrestrial corpse. With jowls.

I. am. not. exaggerating. here. people.

Garrrgghhhhhhhhhhhhh. Life. Is. So. Unfair.

"I look 10 YEARS OLDER than Jill!" I wailed to the Wonderfully Patient Spouse when I got home.

"You're a very youthful looking 59-year-old," the WPS said soothingly.

"I look so OLD and RUN DOWN," I fumed.

"Let's call Spa Paradiso and book you a facial," the WPS said reasonably.

Is there any question why I love this man?

I was on the phone faster than you can say "Scalp massage." The young lady at the spa began to tick off my facial choices:

Relaxation facial massage treatment?

Nope.

Essential facial?

Nope.

Calming treatment for sensitive skin?

Nope.

Reconditioning and firming treatment?

SIGN ME UP, DOTTY! To quote:

This treatment is ideal for dehydrated, aging, and environmentally damaged skin types. The use of specific cleansing, toning, masque, and protective products will help to leave a healthier, firmer appearance to the skin.

And there I was, 24 hours later, sitting in The Serenity Room, waiting for my winter-ravaged mug to be firmed up and reconditioned.

Serenity, my ass. Just make me look 20 40 50 again

Maybe it was just me, but I think my esthetician, Erin, paled a little, sizing up my face as we made our way to the "treatment" room.

But, she was a sweet girl, and a kind, thorough esthetician. The diagnosis: Skin-exfoliation, skin de-toxification, and skin re-hydration. Numerous creams, mists and masques were involved. Many skin cells were sloughed. Much New Age music was played.

And I might have drooled a little during the neck and shoulder massage.

Nevertheless, I think things turned out rather well, don't you?