You're killin' me, Martha

Like any wanne-be domestic goddess, I have been totally marginally enslaved fascinated by Martha Stewart ever since she burst onto the Lifestyle Scene some years ago.

I quickly shed that enslavement fascination after several perusals of "Matha's Calendar" in her magazine Living.

Excerpted from the week of Dec. 19, 2010 (ok, ok, so I save Christmas mags);

Sunday, Dec. 19: Organize tools in kitchen drawers; restock candle supply for holiday table; trim wicks to prevent smoking [Organize tools in kitchen drawer. At Christmas time. What's THAT all about?] [P.S. The candle inventory at the Nine-One-Four is limited to tea lights. For the obvious reasons.]


Wednesday, Dec. 22: Sweep fallen pine needles from under Christmas tree [say WHAAAT? pine needles fall? you have to put THAT on a calendar?]; deliver boxed sweets [to whom? mostly everyone I know is gluten-free, on a diet or training for a marathon]; buy fresh mistletoe [you go, girl]


Friday, Dec. 24; Wrap the last few presents [Correction: Wrap ALL presents]; make pate a choux puffs for tomorrow's croquembouche [I actually made one of these once]; fill stockings.


It is clear Martha and I are not traveling down the same Road in Life.


Nevertheless. We have a few Martha products here at the Nine-One-Four.  Let's see. . . cutting boards, dutch oven, dish towels. I think that's it. All purchased during screamin' hair-on-fire sales at Macy's. Which brings me to our latest Martha acquisition -- a 7-inch nonstick fry pan.

I've been on something of a soft diet (can you say borrriinnng?) the last few days due to some thankfully minor oral surgery. The experience has taught us, among many things, that, after the eighth round of scrubbing scrambled eggs out of a nonstick fry pan, we could do better.

Which brings us to Friday afternoon. And yet another screamin' hair-on-fire sale at Macy's. And I find a Martha Stewart Living 7-inch nonstick fry pan for 6 stinkin' dollars! I think it was originally, like, $150. Seriously. Yeah, Martha's like that. 


Anyway. Major score. 


Until we get home. As I unpack my little kitchen treasure, I am greeted by the following forever salutation from Martha, printed indelibly on the bottom of the pan:


Do not use metal utensils.


Use medium/lower heat settings.


Match pan to appropriate burner size.


Never eat anything bigger than your head. (Actually, I made that one up, but it's sound advice nonetheless.)


Duh. 


Once again, the long arm of Martha Stewart lifestyle reaches out and gently cuffs me on the head.


I. now. have. a. fry. pan. with. its. own. set. of. instructions.


You're killin' me, Martha. You're killin' me.