Dear *insert literary agent name here*:
My name is Benjamin Maxwell H. I am an Australian shepherd mix living in Bermtopia USA.
I believe I have A Story To Be Told.
As (I hope) you know, herding dogs like myself possess k.e.e.n. i.n.t.e.l.l.i.g.e.n.c.e. That's how I am able to telekinetically write this letter to you today. But despite my k.e.e.n. i.n.t.e.l.l.i.g.e.n.c.e. -- and many other outstanding personal and professional attributes -- I have A Problem.
It is my neighbor, Kingston. He is a cat. He is A Cat Who Knows No Boundaries. Whenever I'm outside, he comes over to visit. He will not GO AWAY. . . no matter what I do. It is most unsettling.
I think if the world knew of my plight
Measures. Would. Be. Taken.
and I could go back to doing what I do best: Herding squirrels and biting bugs. Without Kingston.
Please help me tell my story.
If this sounds like a mission you'd like to accept, it probably would be best to contact my Two-legged Missus. She handles most of my business affairs because she has o.p.p.o.s.a.b.l.e. t.h.u.m.b.s. Well, she does this when she's not at work (I think it has something to do with Higher Education and m.a.r.k.e.t.i.n.g.), blogging and ignoring my best efforts to play soccer while she's gardening.
Nevertheless, the Two-legged Missus is a A Good Egg. You can call us, e-mail us or write to us.
(On second thought, please write to us. Then I can bark at the mail carrier!)
I cannot emphasize how dire my situation is with this b.l.a.s.t.e.d. cat across the street. Something must be done! And soon.
Telling the world is the first step. Will you help me?
Most sincerely yours,
Benjamin Maxwell H. (but you can call me Ben)
And so it begins. On September 1, Ben and I start trotting out our children's picture book, "Go AWAY, Kingston!" to a list of literary agents that I've compiled over the summer. Our goal is one letter a week.
A gal and her dog can only take so much rejection, you know.
But Ben and I are kind of excited too. I expect we'll learn a lot -- a build up a fair amount of fodder for future blogs along the way.
Oh yes, I wouldn't dream of denying you an ongoing up-close-and-personal look at How Not to Get Published. So fasten your cyber seatbelts. It's going to be some kind of ride.
September 1, here we come!