Thursday, September 8, 2011

I've got a bone spur in my mouth and How Not To Get Published: Chapter 1

Yessiree, Bob. I can think of no better way to kick off the day than with a 7:30 a.m. teeth-cleaning appointment at good ole Dr. O's. Just another day in paradise.

I've been on a mission to fulfill all my annual medical, dental and visual obligations during the first two weeks in September. So far, it's been nothing but giggles and car keys. In the matter of a week, I've learned: I need new glasses but have the optic nerve of a rock star; have a date with Queen Colonoscopy (I AM of that certain age, you know); posted a Guinness World Book of Records highest HDL (the "good" cholesterol) level ever, according our in-house family nurse practitioner, the Wonderfully Patient Spouse; AND have a bone spur in my mouth.


That's right, you heard it here first. You can get bone spurs IN. . . YOUR. . . EVER-LOVIN'. . . MOUTH. How sweet is that?

"It's really quite common," my dental hygienist Buffy/Tiffany/Brittany chirped happily at about 7:40 this morning. Good to know.

(Don't ask me why or how -- it was 7:30 in the morning, for god's sake, and I didn't even get a peek at "People" in the waiting room -- but all Dr. O's hygienist and staff's first names end in an "eeee." Must be some kind of crazy workplace requirement.)

But Buffy/Tiffany/Brittany was pleasant enough. We chatted about our summers. Well, B/T/B chatted. . . I mainly went "Agh Agh Agh" because I had her two hands, plus a variety of dental instruments, in my mouth.

She admired my University of Colorado School of Dentistry crowns. Several times as a matter of fact. As well she should.

Did you know my dental school crowns will survive The Apocalypse? Buffy/Tiffany/Brittany didn't. I think she was really impressed.

We did have one awkward moment when Buffy/Tiffany/Brittany came across a particularly stubborn piece of plaque (I am a hopelessly erratic flosser). "Never say die" must have been her dental hygienist school motto. She all but climbed up onto the chair and put a knee to my chest in her effort to extract the little bugger. Thankfully, it didn't come to that, but it was a close call.

The upshot of my teeth cleaning? I'm still a few years away from an exclusive diet of green tea, yogurt and Jello Pudding Pops.

The upshot of my two-week adventure of medical/dental/ophthalmic poking and prodding? I am a freakin' Wonder Woman.

With a bone spur in her mouth. But don't worry. It's not like it's sticking out or anything.


How Not To Get Published: Chapter 1

This will be short because it's embarrassing. See above: Aspiring Author needs new glasses.

Now back-pedal to first agent inquiry letter.

After studying the agents' profiles, Aspiring Author selects Jamie With The Kind Face as the best agent fit. Fires off letter.

Several days later, Aspiring Author notices that "h's" and "l's" were completely undecipherable eye-wise and she completely misspelled Jamie With The Kind Face's last name.

Aspiring Author -- with bad (soon to be corrected) eye sight, great HDL and a bone spur in her mouth-- goes "Shit."

The end.

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