Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Ben's Rules of Two -- and One Rule of Zero

It occurred to me this week, trailing after my dog Ben as he crossed the street for the second time in one block, that his orderly, disciplined sheep dog world is that way for a reason.

He lives by the Rules of Two.

I live by the Rules of Two.
Please, please, PLEASE, won't you?
The world would be such a happier place.
Ben's rules shape his world -- and ours.

Most of the time.
If When we inevitably deviate from The Rules, he fixes us with a slightly anxious, quizzical and most categorically reproachful look as if saying, "If you'd only stay with the program, I'd have more time to find the answer for world peace, a cure for cancer and a way to put the Kardashians on mute. For. ever."

He is a deep thinker, our Ben. And so, without further ado, here are Ben's Rules of Two:

1. Two walks, two treats, one meal a day. Dog food dish available for at least two grazing pass-bys, usually mid-day and early evening.

2. Two poop bags per walk. You can never be too prepared . . .

3. At least two "lane changes" per city block. Two back-tracks also are allowed as are two breaks for a scratch and rocket check.

4. Two balls. The minimum required for daily recreation; three or more preferred. Significantly reduces the down time between throws. Snow balls don't count.

5. Two hours:  The maximum time we are allowed away from home. This presents a slight logistical problem as it relates to professional pursuits -- and trips to New York City. Our failure to comply with this rule is probably Ben's greatest source of disappointment in us. 

Along the same lines. . . 

6. Two panic rooms bathrooms -- one up, one down, thank you.

7. Two people. Three or more people becomes much to difficult to keep track of in a house -- unless they are jammed in the dining room or backyard for A Get-together. Then a crowd is okay, even preferred. More scratches on the shoulders and the off chance someone might spill.

8. Two squirrels. The minimum quota required to elevate a Good Walk to Sublime Walk.

9. At LEAST two sleeping options per room. How else does a dog position himself to detect Evil Doings in the Neighborhood otherwise?

10. And, finally, zero (0) cats. They are useless, but sinister creatures who should be confined indoors on pillows on their living room sofas. Period.

Cat: Good luck with that one. 


  1. like it Ben, very very good rules xxx

  2. That is a very interesting perspective, Ben. I think it is a little like that at our house too... 2 dogs, 2 meals, 2 walks, 2 poops, 2 bunnies and/or 2 squirrels, and 0 cats. :)

  3. Haa... I wish Lulu had a little routine. The only routine she has is morning walk then breakfast. After that -- anything goes!

    Christie from lifewithbeagle.com

  4. Your 2-legged missus is being very observant, Mr Ben. I would get the meals per day up to 2 too.

  5. Ben you are too funny! I love all of your rules (except your kitty rule...I have three in the house and they rule it!), I think that there should be at least three balls too! :-D

  6. In our home, the rule of two means two dogs. :) Ben is a real beauty!