Friday, December 21, 2012

Hark! The hysterical angels sing

A friend shared this photo on Facebook last week. As you have probably ascertained, I am a sucker for good advice (primarily on the doling out side of things, but I will take it on occasion. . . if it conforms with my general view of life in the food chain).

Obviously collected from a group of kids, these guidelines once again remind me that the smartest people on the planet are 8-year-olds. And they should probably be ruling the world. 

Let's face it. People sing during the holidays. Not always well, but inevitably. At some point or another, a popular holiday song or favorite carol pipes its way over the grocery store Muzak or home stereo (Wait. I don't think people have home stereos anymore. My bad.) -- let's just say favorite music sharing application -- and you start humming, mumbling or warbling along.

I am commuter car caroler myself (show tunes in the off season), and I know of what I speak.

But, people, there are rules. And they are summarized above. Let's preserve the collective Christmas social order of things, shall we, and observe the following:

1. Don't sing bad words. 
Last time I checked, there aren't too many bad words in traditional (traditional, people, traditional! got it?) holiday songs. I mean, I can't think of one that has the word "Chuck" in it, can you? 

This rule is just a heads-up to you holiday hip hoppers who want to go hard core with "Up on the Roof Top." Don't sing bad words.


2. Be quiet when Mr. Jason is talking.
I don't know who Mr. Jason is, but I can only assume he's a saint because he works with kids and invites them to create their own holiday pageant ground rules. The man has earned his place in heaven.

And if I ever meet Saint Mr. Jason, I will be quiet when he's talking. Because he could possibly put me in Time Out. And take away my Binky at nap time. Or my chardonnay.

Whatever you say, Mr. Jason.

3. Sing LOUD, but not louder than pretty. 
Oh my. There is so much truth to this.

Why is it Christmas music -- or, on the flip side, sitting directly behind me at a church service -- triggers every wannabe Metropolitan Opera diva in the house? Good on you, that you know the harmony part to "Silent Night," but must you share this dubious talent at the expense of the melody?

And, no, you do not have a five-octave vocal range so go easy on that first "Sleep in heavenly peace," would you? Oh, and that goes for "Over the land of the free" in the "Star-spangled Banner" as well.

4. No smoking.
This is some Cherub Choir that must impose a no-smoking policy on itself.

Nevertheless. Duh. Smoking makes you smell bad, discolors your teeth and you will die of lung cancer.

And stay away from the snoose while you're at it. Disgusting habit.

5. Don't make fun of others.
OK. So here's where the choir and I part ways for a few minutes.

I work in a cube farm, which can be a noisy, rambunctious place. Especially when we're all hard at work concentrating. That being said, a few folks wear headphones and listen to music to drown out the frequent F-bombs and "He/she's an IDIOT!" that frequently go flying out of certain cubes.

You know who you are.

One headphone co-worker in particular has been known to start humming AND softly sing when caught up in the moment of certain songs. Of course, when we hear this, we silently gather around our colleague's cube, wait till her musical reverie is over and then pounce without mercy.

I think this rule should be amended to read "Don't make fun of others. Behind their backs." Face-to-face is so much more rewarding.

6. Don't sing wrong notes.
Refer to Rule 3. Same concept.

7. Keep clothes on.
Generally applies to most group settings. You're welcome.

So there you have it. As we enter this celebratory weekend before Christmas, I give you words to live by.

And to sing by. Thank you, Mr. Jason.


1 comment:

  1. I'd like to know what triggered Rule 7 among a bunch of kids. Wouldn't you?