Poop bags

Sadly (or not, depending on your point of view), I am not above examining scatologically related topics from time to time. And as a daily walker of a dog, I attach significant magnitude to the topic of poop bags.

Poop bag technology in our household has evolved significantly since Ben was a puppy. In the early days, we simply used plastic grocery bags. (Side note: The first few weeks Ben and I started walking at Comstock Park, I dutifully carried a plastic bag and a garden shovel to the park. What a nerd.)

In recent years, good stewards of the environment that we are, we have switched over to the bio-degradable poop bags available at REI. They’re made of corn! Who knew?

Anyway, REI poop bags are great. Lightweight. Easy to open. Perfect glove-like fit for scooping up deposits. And a little white bar that helps differentiate top from bottom. What’s not to love about this product?

The answer – everything. My life is so simple.

So imagine, then, my utter confusion and dismay upon discovering a NEW type of poop bag in the poop bag drawer a few mornings back. The Wonderfully Patient Spouse had stopped by Petco for a re-supply and it was the only product available

“They’re flushable,” he pointed out.

Now, really, who flushes their dog’s daily deposits down the home toilet? No one in my small corner of the universe, I assure you.

After working our way through a couple of rolls, the WPS and I both agree – the bags suck. First, it takes about 5 hours to open one bag. Not handiest of features as a neighbor stares stonily out his front window, waiting for you to do damage control on his front lawn. Second, they have an odd gummy consistency that makes it difficult to achieve a smooth, even pull up around your pup’s scooped-up poop. And finally, this strange rubbery consistency, combined with the bag’s truly amazing shade of blue, makes it difficult to know whether you’ve got the top, bottom or side of the bag, leaving you no choice but to start swinging it around like a little blue piece of pizza dough till the bag puckers open.

Change is hard. Using flushable Petco poop bags even harder. Bring back my REI poop bags, please. Thank you for listening.

The toilet habits of dogs

I know this isn't a particularly "appropriate" post, but as a daily dog-walker, I have accumulated some interesting intelligence on the subject, which I feel compelled to share in a few short, and hopefully tasteful, paragraphs.

First, most urban canines are fairly well organized in their toileting habits. (Not all, my friends, but most.) They have favorite times and places. Our dog Ben, for example, won't "go" in our backyard, hence he gets two walks a day. (There IS a method in his madness.) And dogs do have particular "styles," if you will, of making their deposits. Here are a few of the most common:

The Stop-and-Drop
These carefree pups (Labs, in particular, come to mind) hit the park, lope around cheerfully, chase squirrels, fetch sticks, gambol with doggy friends -- then suddenly freeze, squat and, well, drop. There's no art nor science to this approach: Grass, gravel, rocks, concrete, playground sawdust -- when you gotta go, you go. End of story.

Note: If you have ever discovered dog poo on a sidewalk, which I personally always find a little disconcerting, you can most likely thank a Stop-and-Drop.

The String-along
String-alongs leave many dog owners scratching their heads. For some reason known only to themselves, these dogs feel compelled to keep moving while carrying out their defecatory duties.(Note: Yes, I know, I don't think "defecatory" is a real word either, but it DOES trip off the tongue nicely.) This is not a dog's finest hour in general, but String-alongs look more than comically pathetic as they crab across the park leaving a questionable trail behind them. It's got to be a real pain to clean up after them.

Mt. Vesuvius
These dogs must have amazing cargo capacity because when they unload, it's a payload of truly epic proportion. Steaming canine versions of the Kilauea Volcano if you will. Seriously.

Mt. V dog owners rarely pick up these gifts of love, leaving it to the rest of us to carefully navigate around them, strangely curious about the behemoth canines responsible for these notable landmarks. I am a strong believer of cleaning up after your dog, but I have to admit, I don't think they've yet developed a biodegradable REI poop bag up to the challenge of a Mt. V.

Privacy Please
Our dog Ben is a Privacy Please kind of guy. These dogs painstakingly seek out (we call it "spottin' up") the best tree, shrub or rock that affords them shelter from the park paparazzi while doing the deed.

Except it doesn't. And that's funny.

Ben's butt inevitably sticks out, tail in full extension (not unlike the needle of a compass pointing directly at you-know-what), and I know exactly what he's up to. He senses this, shoots me a reproachful "Do you mind?" kind of look, and then finishes his business.

I'm sorry. It always cracks me up. I just can't help it.