Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Memo to Team Chicken


TO:           Team Chicken
                 When Pigs Fly Farm

FROM:      Queen and Supreme Goddess

                   Citizen Farmer
                   When Pigs Fly Farm

RE:     Productivity


As we approach the end of your three-month probationary period, I feel it is appropriate, even advisable, that we reflect on your adjustment and contributions to When Pigs Fly Farm.

Although you are not my direct reports, I believe I can offer a valuable perspective as a farm elder (literally) and charter member of WPFF. Let me cut to the chase:

The golf balls are getting old.

We all have our roles at When Pigs Fly Farm. We farmers have been put here to be mocked by nature (radishes) and recalcitrant bamboo tee pees. (Still standing!) A chicken's raison d'etre is to produce eggs. And, to date, there have been no eggs.

(But I AM awfully glad you all have stopped jumping on each others' heads. Progress, ladies, progress!)

We at When Pigs Fly Farm have all gone out of our way to create a safe, comfortable, positive work environment for you. Speaking only for myself, I know I have set aside some of the more delectable morsels collecting in my compost bucket for you: Cilantro stems; dead-headed snapdragons, cosmos and petunias; beet greens; carrot skins; cucumber butts; unwanted tomato starts; corn cobs; and stale hamburger buns come to mind.

What do you want? Pate? (No, wait. Chicken livers. Scratch that. My bad.)

Let's try this again. What do you want? Bacon?

Bacon will not be happening. Farma-natrix Kate runs a vegan shop and I'm afraid bacon would be frowned upon. (And, while we're at it, those stale white-bread hamburger buns? our little secret, OK?)

The golf balls have been provided for inspiration, an egg-laying muse if you will. It's now time to listen to your muse. . . find the magic. . . go forth and lay! Your friends and family at When Pigs Fly Farm just want you to succeed.

Or else.

We care about your performance at When Pigs Fly Farm. We all do our share, and if you stumble, there are ways we can help you get back on course. WPFF prides itself on its thoughtful progressive performance program, which plays to each team member's strengths and redirects weaknesses (no eggs, in your case).

However, upon closer examination of WPFF Administrative Procedure 35.00.01 Performance 35.3 Performance Evaluation Chickens, I think you will see the plan can be a bit, shall we say, draconian. It appears stew pots and fricasses are often involved, but don't quote me on that.

Ladies, you are i.m.p.o.r.t.a.n.t. members of the When Pigs Farm Team. Your success is OUR success -- so let's go out there, kick some serious GOLF BALL BUTT and get those eggs rolling.

Let's show the world what When Pigs Fly Farm is made of:

Chickens with the most
EGG-cellent EGG-itude EGG-ver!
High fives fours all the way around, ladies! And see you at the company picnic next week.

P.S. Steer clear of the spinach dip. Wattles are a real mayo magnet.


  1. And hopefully they don't start brooding about those golf balls!!

  2. Actually, chickens would love to eat chicken livers! They can be quite cannibalistic!